I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
