Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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