You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
