im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
