There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
