hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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