dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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