I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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