Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
