Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
