My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
