i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
