How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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