his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
