My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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