I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You ruined the universe
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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