You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
