last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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