i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
