Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
