Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
