you have to choose: penises or morals?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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