do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
