Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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