I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
