i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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