then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
