I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
