fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
