Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
