she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
