I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
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I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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