i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
