He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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