He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
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10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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