Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at