Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
