i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Panties = found
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
