So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
