Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
