I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
