I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
