6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
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On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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