i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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