based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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