Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
