When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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