Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
