When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Let's get the cat blown out
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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