did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You may now shotgun with the bride
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
