cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
ttyl tear gas
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
