"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
did i just pee glitter
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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