You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
