i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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