my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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