you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
